Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
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Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.