@biggarf: Instagram would have been a good name for a weed delivery service
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@TheMichaelRock: We could completely eliminate car thefts by making every car alarm sound like Hillary Clinton's laugh.
@KentWGraham: I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
@38percentsure: "I'm half black and I'm trying to decide who I want to have kids with. Do I want them to have every advantage in life, or be able to dance?"
@MatCro: [doctor's] INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc? DR: Your tests are all clear IM: Is that good? DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I'm not sure