@EastKentTom: Instagram's down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
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@PureDad: Man, Lord of the Rings has all kinds of people! White men, white elves, white dwarves, white trees, Gandalf the white, all the kinds!
@E_lok44: [After date, walking her to her door] Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don't want to.
@HeyZeus666: Sorry I said your baby looks like the anti-Christ. I meant to say she looks like her mother.
@iamburtjarvis: "911, what's the emergency?" we were robbed. they stole the wireless router "calm down" also they shot my grandma or something. not sure