@EastKentTom: Instagram's down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
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@ShawnHatosy: If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
@david8hughes: [boxing match] Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
@KeetPotato: wife: "just break it to him gently" me: "ok ill try" [tucking son in bed] me: [opening story book] "once upon a time your grandma's dead"
@Darlainky: Dear Santa, Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.