Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
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[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.