Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
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At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.