My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
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accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
#TopTip
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Love this guy
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.