*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
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Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.