@TuffyNyC: "Instead of a 58 year old woman, I wanna look like a 28 year old shiny iguana" - Plastic Surgery
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@Birdhumms: Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police! Her: Calm down, where are they now? Me: Still ringing the doorbell
@onelongbender: My internet boyfriend doesn't know about my real life boyfriend, which makes two of them.
@Rollinintheseat: Kid: "I want to be a doctor when I grow up." Mom: "You can't. Your hands aren't cold enough."
@josePhDhoran: Give a fish a worm, he lives another day Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around