@TuffyNyC: "Instead of a 58 year old woman, I wanna look like a 28 year old shiny iguana" - Plastic Surgery
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@david8hughes: [phone rings] Guy: is your refrigerator running? Me: yes my refrigerator is runn- Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
@justabloodygame: *appears in puff of smoke at a public pool* "Warning, what you're about to see may shock you!" Hey! What are y- *touches live wire to water*
@weinerdog4life: Don't ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
@TheTweetOfGod: When you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, it means you've been using Apple Maps.