@NoticablyBacon: Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
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@AtticusFinch79: [waking up from a nightmare] Him: Was it the one about zombies again? Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
@GreenishDuck: You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells "IT'S JUST A POTATO!" #ambien
@JennyJohnsonHi5: I'm not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I'll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it's constantly moving.
@bourgeoisalien: Hey, Christianity- what's all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don't. Because sex. Also? More sex.