Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
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local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
yea so i messed up lol
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more