@NoticablyBacon: Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
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@Jennuflect: [At a 5 star restaurant] *gestures at entire menu* Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
@TwiCarlyGleeber: Girl likes 'boys with accents <333' on Facebook. I charge at her. "HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY"
@Brianhopecomedy: A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?