Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
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Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.