Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
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DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.