Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
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The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.