@TheCatWhisprer: Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
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@SouthernStylin1: A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
@TedBundybitch: 14: what could happen? Me: you could get her pregnant. 14: im not comfortable putting my dingaling in her thingaling Me:*writes suicide note
@Clint_Bing: Guy asked me today if I've ever owned a dog. I was like lmao yeah I own dogs all the time they can't even say shit back
@SteveSuckington: "There's approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today." -meteorologists