Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
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everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”