The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
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[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
giddy up Office Depot
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.