@JohnLyonTweets: Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@dafloydsta: WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff ME: Okay [later] WIFE: What the hell? [dog walks by in a tuxedo] ME: He's getting married, Karen
@ruinedpicnic: [checks window] [locks door] [starts to tweet] shrek was a d- [FBI agents burst into the room and leap on me] shrEK WAS A DOC UMENTArY
@tastefactory: There's a spider that's been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he's essentially also watching Shrek.
@envydatropic: I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I'm not approachable or one of their kind