Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
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I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Weighing up my bread heating options
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter