Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
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Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
first you must answer his riddles
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”