@FuckabillyRex: Instead of a post-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
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@mortimermaiden: *breaks glass* *pulls fire alarm* [outside] Great, now that you're all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I'm weird.
@pro_failure: I've stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,"I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait."
@NEthingButWork: Unpopular Star Wars theory: R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won't stop cussing
@clevinniej: Wife: ok, you have free reign to decide on all household decisions today... Me: *too shocked to move or decide anything...*