God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
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Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
my sentiments exactly
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?