Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
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Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?