Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
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No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.