Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
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I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Feel. He’s so soft.
Meme Monday.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.