Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
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It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.