Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
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You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
He-man has a Masters degree
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.