Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
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he chose this
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
And then there were 4
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.