Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
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Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?