Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
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Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there