Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
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me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
A classic…
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
“What movie?” 🤔
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.