Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
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[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.