Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
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Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
some things should go without saying
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Brands during Pride
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!