Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
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colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”