You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
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Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
True freaking story!
Meow?
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.