Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
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Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift