@amselts: Instead of expecting your wife to make you dinner every night like it's 1950, man up and develop a cocaine habit so you don't need to eat.
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@OtherDanOBrien: *Detective stands over murder victim* This looks like a case of... *Takes off sunglasses* *Removes contacts* *Brushes teeth* *Goes to bed*
@HatfieldAnne: Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don't hold their breath as long as I do.
@Mehrwane: Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
@ImSoFrancis: BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.