Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
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When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
need him
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
what is cheese if not milk persevering