Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
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“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
A couple who are silly together stay together.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Twitter remains undefeated
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update