[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
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*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
My brain is a bad influence on me
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
are they though??