Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
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My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.