Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
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Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Me when my alarm goes off
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”