@KKBowls: Instead of politely knocking on the bathroom door, my kid attacks the door like a rookie DEA agent on his first raid
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@PretendMaker: *into earpiece during date* Ok now maintain eye contact No not that kind of contact Bro do not touch her eyes Get your eye away from hers
@lyric_intent: It doesn't matter how up-to-date your donor card is, the hospital gets really judgey when you drop off a liver unannounced.
@onion_an: Me:"The store didn't have any bread so I brought flour" Wife:"If they didn't have butter would you buy a cow" *sound of hooves in kitchen*
@WilliamRodgers: Don't let that "Metalica" t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus' "Wrecking Ball"