Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
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This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles