@birbigs: Instead of presents, give your kids "presence." Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
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@Jenny4ashley: Boss: Are you high? Me: If I was high could I do this? *teleports two inches to the right*
@EndhooS: Kid 1: Why'd you call me Aphrodite? "After the Greek goddess of love" Kid 2: What about me pop? "You're named after a famous chipmunk Alvin"
@TheBoydP: Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
@Quartzjixler: I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.