Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
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A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
He’s cranky this morning
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
School be like
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.