@jwoodham: Instead of pulling people over for texting, the police should be out there pulling people over for not texting me back.
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@JessObsess: ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: I signed you both up for Tinder *1 week later ME: You still want a divorce? THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
@bathflyer: My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he's swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
@KizerBillhelm: HR says I'm not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(