@jwoodham: Instead of pulling people over for texting, the police should be out there pulling people over for not texting me back.
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@Brampersandon_: *Guy is rushed in on a stretcher* DR: what happened EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon DR: WE'VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
@LetMeStart: Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids "no eating on the couch" while you're eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn't fair.
@VictorscarletJ: I know we just got divorced, but would you mind showing my girlfriend how to make an omelet the way I like them?
@Staggfilms: [confession booth] ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share PRIEST: you forgot pride ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this