@jwoodham: Instead of pulling people over for texting, the police should be out there pulling people over for not texting me back.
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@dshack8: "I'll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself." Drunks and 1 year olds.
@_ShutUpKate: *gets eaten by a shark* At funeral: "She died doing what she loved...*sob*...feeding the animals."
@SuperRandomish: We squint at the sun because it's bright. We squint at people because they're not.