Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
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My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
my mind
You just read my mind
*praying for world peace*
God:
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy