Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
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A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
The police never think its as funny as you do.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.