@Randazzoj: Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
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@pittdave13: First date Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter? Her: Yes, I love those! Me: Well look at the time this has been fun...
@PanicRestroom: Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
@AndyAsAdjective: WIFE: omg Will Smith's son, Jaden, is dead ME: where'd you see that? W: Facebook M: I'm pretty sure that's a hoax W: no Facebook is real
@markydoodoo: Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole? Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can't be that.