Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
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May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Best table by far
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?