Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
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“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.