@That_Damn_Duck: Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
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@fro_vo: [on a date] Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
@pauleggleston: Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob* Wife: What are these? Me: The synonym rolls you asked for. Wife: CINNAMON.