Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
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I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.