Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
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LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
#Caturday
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
My dog learned how to text
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
My dad teaching me to drive
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
This is hilarious….
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.