Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
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Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Customer is always right
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
sin harder.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
mood
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
no cat here