Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
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What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell