Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
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The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
choose your gary
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Hotels are back
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.