Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
You Might Also Like
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.