@Darlainky: Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
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@SortaBad: How to sleep: 1. Lay down 2. Dim lights 3. Dwell about literally every mistake you've made in your life for 6 hours 4. Rest for 9 minutes
@mommajessiec: Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy? Me: She had a girl. H: Oh. Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
@iwearaonesie: [laying in bed] wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up? me: Yes *sound of TV crashing to the floor* me: No
@sofarrsogud: [Watching Star Trek with my date] ME: *leans in* It's called Star Trek but the stars don't actually go anywhere.